The best way to avoid being called a racist? Just deny that race exists. How? Be colorblind! It makes people of color feel valued and respected, and it makes you as a white person feel strong, powerful and good—think of it as your community service. If Meryl Streep can do it to solve lack of diversity at in Hollywood a la “We’re all Africans,” you can do it too. Here’s how:
Tell Black people you are like, totally colorblind.
Of course the easiest way to show a person of color that you are colorblind when it comes to race is just tell them. “Oh, you’re black? Ha, like I didn’t even notice. I’m totally color blind.”
Shout reassurances from your locked car.
If you lock your car door at a stoplight, and then happen to notice right as you did that the person crossing the street in front of your car was black, roll down the window and shout “it’s not you, it’s me. I was going to lock the door anyway. I just forgot when I got in.”
Notice any physical attribute OTHER than skin color.
For example, at a retail store, notice height, shirt color, earrings, shoes, so if you are checking out and someone asks “do you know who helped you?” You can say “it was the guy in the red shirt.” This is harder if the store uniform is a red shirt. Go for facial hair or glasses. After all, you didn’t notice that he or she was black anyway.
Ask a white old lady where the bathroom is.
If you are at a formal event and everyone is wearing tuxedoes and you need to find the bathroom and there is no white old lady around to ask and you have to ask a black person in a tuxedo, be sure to open with “I don’t think you work here because I’m colorblind, but you look nice and I was hoping that you might know where the bathroom is?” This may be particularly hard because you didn’t notice the old lady was white, either. (Umm…or that she was old…jerk!)
Carry around a box of crayons for random testing.
If you are accused of saying something racist, pull out the box of crayons and say, indignantly, “I am colorblind. No, really, test me.” Carry an 8 box for beginners; 64 box for experts. Each time someone pulls a crayon out of the box to show you, respond “don’t know…don’t see color.” “Yeah…still don’t see it.” “I can read Peach” on the side of the crayon, but otherwise I wouldn’t have known.”
Get a black dog and name him snow.
You could have named your dog Night, but you didn’t notice that he was black. “I thought he was just a Labrador.”
Pretend that you really are, actually, completely blind.
If you suddenly feel like crossing the street, which has nothing to do with the black person walking toward you, trip on the curb on the other side and shout to yourself so all can hear: “Oh, I didn’t see the curb because I am blind.” Do not do this if there is a blind person nearby.
Risk your life for your beliefs: Walk into oncoming traffic.
To really prove you are colorblind expand your colorblindness beyond just black and white. Step into traffic… “oh, was that light RED? Damn my colorblindness!” If those are your last, dying words as you are hit by a car…know it was for a purpose. You may actually be sainted after death.
And, there you have it. With these easy tips you will have people calling you Ghandi in no time.
